害怕

好害怕哦。。。明天就要考华语口试。。。怎么办呢？我真希望能在睡眠里死掉。。。哎哟。

A dream within a dream

 

My life is a series of non-events.
I feel things, but I do not see them.

 

I am deeply troubled by insignificant things that are not worth being distressed over. I ought to be revising for chinese oral now but my thoughts are unsettled and all over the place. Perhaps i should nap a bit. Yes, i shall do so after this mindless post.

Today was partially lovely partially horrid. Tripple 2-period sciences + Double period Amath + PE is ridiculous. My mind fried after the first 2 periods of physics. Actually, if i slept earlier i can probably live through the day absorbing stuff but i don't sleep early. Thus i shall do so as well, i shall sleep at....  9? 10? Such unearthly hours.

Sadly my favourite chicken rice stall is shifting :( to 2 stores down... hehe but the place will be air-conditioned thus ^ chicken rice prices (influx). I'll miss my no-breast-meat chicken rice! But there's always 70c cone ice cream next door at macs :)

I always catch myself in a daze, maybe it's the heat, or maybe it's something else.

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream? 

I kept wishing she was you, now i wish everyone was you

PORTUGAL

 

We become attached to what's familiar and sometimes
we hold onto things that are safe and predictable
even if they are bad for us.

 

I've been feeing rather sluggish lately... what a word. I suppose it's because school is reopening in like less than idk how many hours and winnie texted me like the exact countdown hours yesterday afternoon.... if possible, making me even more depressed than i already was and still am.

First time to west coast park today, it was niceeeee and funnnnnn and there was so much food and laughter and the cell is just great :) Hahaha miss sjsm haven't been there for a gazillion years, yes, saw some faces i wish i didn't see (i wish i could never see), saw SCRUTINIZER (GLADYS! <3) who looks exactly like urgh and haha saw people i forgot :)

Tomorrow, marks the start of school hell. I dread it so much i wouldn't even go back if Britney Spears showed up or something. Not even................. okay maybe if dbsk goes to school tmr then duh i'll go too but THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE so...............

Oh oh and i don't know why i'm so astounded by people's personality being percieved and written down on paper but HAHA i got a chance to read through like pages and pages of words about personalities which made me tres excited for no reason.

And my personality really matched it okay! I used to think DISC was cool but this is hell cooler than that and only 2-3% of the world's population has my personality :D :D :D

One last happy thing before i press 'post', switch off the com and go find a corner to hide hoping tomorrow will never come, i downloaded the whole Edgar Allen Poe collection on my touch :) It's an ibook. Hehehehehehe happy happy ah happy.

OH AND GO PORTUGAL (LOOK WHO JUST DISCOVERED HER NEW LOVE FOR FOOTBALL (MORE SPECIFICALLY RONALDO) BUT HEY PORTUGAL ROCKS) HAHAHAHA.

 

Indian Wedding

 

Everyone is so caught up in their own heartache,
they never stop to realize that other people feel things, too.
We're all so convinced that 'nobody knows how I feel',
we don't open our eyes wide enough.
Overlooking the people that could help us,
we go on with our lives,
living in self-created prisons -
prisons within our own minds.

 

Loooong quote. Today has been a long day. It's gonna end. And Wednesday is going to be over. Then comes Thursday.................... then Friday........................... let's not talk about weekends because they pass like seconds and then MONDAY.

Ohmybel :(

Nvm. Watched Karate Kid w FATSO yesterday. THE WHOLE WORLD GOES TO PS. Hahahaha. But it's fine. Can't wait for Monday night anyway. :)

Secret : I skipped tuition todayyyyyyyyy............. I realised i've been revealing too many secrets so BYE :)

I'm getting an industrial soon. In about 2 weeks time. Yes bel, you are a bit mental.

List #47

 

Here's a secret : I went back to lovelettering and i found out that the 2 letters i submitted got published. And they made me laugh and cry. Most of all, they made me remember. You don't have to figure out what the hell is lovelettering and i'll save you the trouble of looking through the 100 over messages from all around the world, submitted anoymously to the website.

I totally forgot about the website but stumbled onto it again, and found what i wrote and submitted like......... a year ago. Here goes.

--

#forty four

Dear _,
You don't know this but I'm aching. I haven't been able to sleep normally and I toss and turn countless number of times, only to find that my heartache hasn't gone away. It probably will if you die and I move on. But you're still alive and I''m still stuck knowing.

--

#sixty two

Dear _,
you kind of suck now and i'm glad that you're gone. People say i've had some blonde moments and i guess that's true. But my most blonde moment was when i became interested in you.

--

If you do, however, manage to find the site, i don't think she's gonna upload anymore submits because.... well she hasn't uploaded for like...... a year and more. And if you do see my letters, then haha i shall just tell you that the single alphabet it's addressed to isn't the first letter of the person's name. It's more of........... an inside joke. Oh well.

To-Do-List #47 (I did this minutes back but i decided to post it because, well, i'm bored)

1. Forgive and quite impossibly forget
2. Sleep, and move on
3. Walk down 14 steps, grab bag and start June Holiday Homework #1
4. Find phone somewhere in my quilt and REPLY MESSAGES
5. Clear inbox, erase my 3000 hotmails, delete FB messages and empty memories.
6. Practice violin
7. Run to the film store and buy more film *blog about this
8. Think of a one-minute-of-silence timing and text sha
9. Text Deanna a life threatening text
10. Call the Police, Singapore Casket Association and the Pastor, if Deanna doesn't reply

*I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE AN ANCIENT CAMERA. After being a proud owner of a pretty camera for...... 2 weeks? My mom finally tells me i can't open the back hatch and let the film get exposed to...  (well i'm a smart pure chem student so i'd say oxygen) air if not the picture will turn out........... not looking like a picture. Just a black piece of glossed paper. Then i thought back about every picture i took with the camera and realised, that after i took a picture, I WOULD OPEN THE HATCH.

!@#$

Back to my very boring afternoon-turning-evening.

Perm!

 

Our minds sometimes see
what our hearts wish were true.

 

Perm! I permed my hair already :) :) :) Haha earlier than expected, no i couldn't wait. Anyway, my hairdresser DID BROWN EYED GIRL'S HAIR WHEN THEY WERE IN SINGAPORE *SCREAMS* and SHE DID 2 OF SUJU'S HAIR BACK IN KOREA *FAINTS* Buuuuut she's going back to Korea in July :( Her boss did Lee Hyori's though. They have a picture! Hehe. Wait. I'm not a crazy fangirl anymore
....................... *closes eyes and does the shang po, xia po*

Okay so tomorrow is the last Monday of June hols which isn't really holidays to begin with (that's what everyone says) but hey, i haven't even finished a single holiday homework and i haven't actually studied. Maple and shopping ruined my life :( My days are all booked :(

Oh and i re-pierced my 3rd hole as well. I might be addicted to piercing...... my ears. Haha and no where else :)

So, here's to the rest of sucky holidays and my permed hair and pierced ears and fucked face and piles of undone (and will never be done) homework and here's to the last remaining sane days of the year. At least until O's.

OMG O LEVEL CHINESE. *fucks up (as usual) and dies >:( *

If i lose you, i don't know

You and me, a little different
though we tried to stay the same
It never leaves and when it changes
it is still a waiting game

I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this depth
I wait for the light to come
and take away these images I've kept
In my head

More than ever, I need to feel you

--

I'm not one who really holds grudges. This is different. No matter how i try to bring myself to overlook it, a new wave of anger and frustration gets bottled up. It's not that i can't bring myself to forgive you, it's more of, i can't not hate you.

I don't know what your stupid problem is, but i hope you stop. Your actions are completely undesirable by not only me, but others as well. Sometimes i think you're eccentric and attention-seeking, but most of the time i just think you're absolutely selfish. That and you are completely useless when it comes to the area of friendship. You don't know how to make friends, and worse, you don't know how to keep them.

(Filthy backstabber)

I will tell it straight to your face one day. When i don't have to see you anymore. Actually i could just tell it to you now, but i think it'll cause a chain reaction, and i might lose friends i actually love. Maybe you tried. Well, try harder.

Day #1 of Helix piercing

 

Each time I told my story,
I lost a bit, the smallest drop of pain.

 

Day #1 of Helix piercing, it feels fine. Other than the fact that i take 40 minutes just to bathe now rather than my usual 20, because my hair keeps getting trap in between the stud. That, and the fact that i can't turn my head to the left when i sleep, which means i can't sleep facing left which is how i always sleep :( But it's all worth it, at least i'm not blind and deaf :D (It's a myth hehe)

Thank you to everyone who texted me to wish me luck (it felt like i was going on a roadtrip to hell) and thank you winnie and sarah who walked many many rounds with me round far east, waiting for me to build up the courage and walk into 77th street :)

It's been 2 actually holiday days for me, i suppose everyone's mugging now but i'm still busy shopping........... hahaha tmr i will finally try to get my ass down to work, tgth with loved ppl :) can't wait. <3

Maple is coming back to haunt me.

OH OH OH, phase 2 of anti-kpop has kinda worked. While browsing through my songs today, i managed to skip every dbsk song i saw or kpop-related ones and i spammed owl city on replay :D I am becoming sane again yay :)

Okay, maple takes very long to dl but i'm still waiting, waiting, waiting for the world to change :)

GSS + SHOPPING X14

 

It may have been in bits and pieces,
but I gave you the best of me.

 

I actually held off blogging in case i couldn't control my anger and would start blogging about the..... well The Fucker, as we all know her. (OhmyGod i revealed it's a her!) Anyway, i've thought about it a lot, and i realised that i don't want to be friends with her anymore. Not wanting to be friends with her anymore doesn't mean i'll call her The Fucker forever and plot plans to ruin her already-fucked-up-life, instead, i will not do anything. Because i don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. I won't give a shit whether she's dead or alive, sick or healthy, happy or sad, stupid or even more stupid. I don't care.

Maybe my blog should be private, like deanna. But where's the fun in that :O

Anyway, on a lighter note, i love building failed-sandcastles at night :) It has been a long while since i felt so free and happy, and i certainly enjoyed it :) Saturday was a blast, even though i only joined in for the other half of the day. I hope my pictures develope nicely! :)

Today, i am going shopping (refer to title above) and will be going shopping for the rest of my holidays. The 2 pathetic weeks left will comprise of shop, sleep, shop, sleep, repeat x14.

OHHHHHHH AND I'M PERMING MY HAIR ON THE 26TH MARK THAT DATE :D :D :D I AM HAPPPYYYYYYYYY. HEHEHE CURLY HAIR HERE I COME :D NO MORE STRAIGHTER-THAN-A-RULER HAIR! :D

Liars

Below the surface we're all just liars.

Liar, liar

Deceiver, dissembler
Your trousers are alight
From what pole or gallows
Shall they dangle in the night?

 What internal serpent
Has lent you his forked tongue?
From what pit of foul deceit
Are all these whoppers sprung?

Deceiver, dissembler
Your trousers are alight
From what pole or gallows
Do they dangle in the night?

The bird and the worm

 

If you're the bird whenever we pretend it's summer
Then I'm the worm, I know the part, it's such a bummer

 

Owl city never fails to cheer me up. And the lyrics make sense. Today was a nice day. Or so i thought. It was nice until a few minutes ago. And anyway my bed came and it's orange. An orange bed in a pink room. This is horrible.

Is the picture obscene? It's as obscene as you.

I suppose it'll be really childish to go 'i hate you', but you're really despicable. Now i know.

MY FIRST KISS WENT A LITTLE LIKE THIS

 

All that we see or seem
is but a dream within a dream

 

I like the quote ^ hehe it's by Edgar Allan Poe again. Don't you think it's quite true? A dream within a dream. Anyway, today was sorta kinda nice as well. SS was boring like hell and chem was chem, nothing out of the ordinary. Lit seminar was cold and the speaker had an accent but the stories were nice and the poems were lovely.

I just want to mention The Fucker(s) again, (before i end the post on a happy note) by saying that THANK YOU VERY MUCH for causing all this to happen. Wow really, i didn't know you were capable of such things! Now what, i'm left to pick up the pieces you very nicely tore out? I don't think so. I mean, yes i will but bear in mind i'd have a grudge from now on. Not like you'd know about it anyway. Fuck off man.

Anger simmering anger simmering anger simmering.........................

THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY IS, LOOK AT MY NEW CAMERA

OMG NICE RIGHT HAHAHAHA SEE THE HEARTS AND THE STARS AND ITS PINK AND ALL YAY I LOVE MY NEW CAMERA <3 <3 <3 But i'd have to go to the camera shop to develop the film once it's up........... BUT IT'S STILL SO PRETTY HAHAHAHAHA :D :D

LIPS LIKE LIQUORISH
TONGUE LIKE CANDY

See i ended off on a happy note! And ps: It will never stop no matter how bad you wish it would. I wish it would too but it's quite impossible with the existance of THE FUCKER.

Edgar Allan Poe

 

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up
running from one falling star to another till I drop.
This is the night, what it does to you.
I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.

 

I am xtremely annoyed with myself for failing to post more often. I am posting today though, that makes a difference, yes? Today was nice :) Because it was just Emath all the way, i enjoyed it sorta kinda. Sitting next to Alicialala is very hilarious. My face felt botoxed like crazy and skin was coming off :( :( :( Probability is quite easy to grasp :) Yay.

Oh and i'm getting new furniture! :D My blue table is replaced by 2 white coloured IKEA ones and my bed will be gone and in its place is this pastel pink bed with white threading. My room will then become a pink-white theme. Because i can't find a table in pink :( But white is nice :)

I bought a book on Saturday- It's a compilation of poems and tales by Edgar Allan Poe and it is damn nice. :) Hehehe the first poem is about bells! I feel like a lit freak now :(

As you can see, i'm trying to post about senseless things as much as i can so that i won't errupt and start ranting about this fucker. Thus, i will now type out a paragraph from the poem titled 'The Raven' and after i've typed it, if i still feel angry, then i'm sorry Deanna you went to eat and failed your sage duties :(

 

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That i scarce was sure I heard you" - here I opened wide the
door;-
Darkness was there and nothing more.

 

HMMMMMMM. AM I STILL ANGRY? I don't know it took me 50 seconds to type that cuz i memorised it. And sipping bland barley doesn't help either. Therefore, ranting i shall go! (Sorry deanna :( )

YOU 2 FACE FUCKER YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW? I HOPE YOU ROTT IN HELL OR FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT. I REALLY WISH YOU'D BE GONE OR SOMETHING. YOU ARE THE WORSE LIAR IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE AND I HAVE NEVER COME ACROSS SUCH A STUPID BACKSTABBER BUGGER LIKE YOU. LIKE HELL YOU'RE SMART. YOU'RE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE YOU'RE LIKE, FUCKING USELESS, AND FUCKING BRAINLESS, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I HAD ANY SENSE TO BE YOUR FRIEND, YOU FUCKED- UP HYPOCRITE. PLEASE DO ME A FAVOUR AND NEXT TIME, STOP BEING SO FUCKING TRANSPARENT I CAN SEE THROUGH YOU AND YOUR SENSELESS LIES.

:) I WILL POST MORE LATER. BUT FOR NOW, BYEBYE.

wgm :(

 

Love me when I least deserve it
for it is when I most need it.

 

Von broke the news to me today :( How cruel, over a text. He didn't even say anything :( This is so depressing i might just join i-got-cheated-by-my-husband-anoynonmous. The press obviously, made the news a really big one when it was suppose to be kept as a family matter, allkpop you are ruining my life :(

Hahahaha i'm re-reading that paragraph and i do indeed sound like a troubled new-divorced lady. How odd.

I am to watch flashforward with my brother now. Since he dilly dally delayed the show for like 30 mins, i shall do the same, by blogging! I want to create a twitter. Maybe, when iPhone 4g comes out and i finally get data plan.

On the way back home with deanna today, i asked her whether she'd trade her life for anyone else's (in singapore obviously not like obama or maybe sooyoung of snsd or better still my ex-husband nichkhun) and she said no. She was quite contented with her life. And i am too :) Even though i've been thinking that i'm not, i came up with a conclusion that yes i am happy with my life and i wouldn't trade it for anyone else's! (except maybe victoria of fx since she's my ex's mistress!!!)

Hahaha if i would trade my life for anything, it'd be to become an angel and to go up to Heaven and watch all you people suffering living on earth :) Haha I'M JUST JOKING I WOULD BE A FAIRY (DUH) I'LL BE A PINK PRINCESS FAIRY WITH A CROWN AND PINK GLITTERY WINGS AND A NICE HEART SHAPED WAND AND WHERE EVER I GO I WOULD LEAVE PINK FAIRY DUST :D

Over

 

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy it is disposition alone.
Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other,
and seven days are more than enough for others.

 

I survived chinese o's! But i think i'll settle for a B4 :( My essay was like crap. After o's........... i went to eat lunch and then i went shopping and bought many things :)

OH and i realised i haven't taken pictures in like light years. Therefore after 1 or 2 more months (depending on how long my fucking face needs to heal) this blog here will (hopefully) be flooded with pictures :D Hehehehehe.

Hopefully i'll survive intensive revision and prelims and finally, o's. Hopefully.