It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, i knew my lungs must still be intact, yet i gasped for air and my head spun like my yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but i couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inwards, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, i found that i could survive. I was alert, i felt the pain-the aching lost that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head-but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that i'd grown strong enough to bear it.

And for the first time in a long time, i didn't know what to expect in the morning.


seriously, life is freaking me out.
major hiatus, i have to think,
of what to do with this.