Tired

If nature has made you for a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart;
and though there may be times when your hands are empty, your heart is always full,
and you can give things out of that—warm things, kind things, sweet things—help and comfort and laughter
—and sometimes gay, kind laughter is the best help of all.

-A Little Princess, Frances Hodgson Burnett

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I am feeling the need to do a little bit of soul searching. I am so sick of this. For some reason i think many of my posts have been titled 'tired'. Life tires me. The need to constantly keep my life in balance, the drastic mood changes (Yes i suffer from insanse mood swings and omg they swing a lot), haha i just don't know what else i'm expected to do; i don't know what to do anymore.

Apparently my only purpose right now in life is to study. How mundane, it's like instructing me to stand in fire and watch flames lick my skin and tear them apart- it's like watching my life dissolve in sulphuric acid (dibasic acid, chem has taught me well). I, am a person who literally fucking hates routine. To ask me to sit there and do math for 2 hours straight is like asking me to drown myself, in mud.

Still, at the end of the day, when it all boils down to one thing- i am to do it. I am forced and pushed and kicked to study. It's not like i do it willingly anyway. Most of the time i grit my teeth and mutter MY FAVOURITE WORD which i think you obviously know it starts with F and ends with K it's FIRETRUCK no just kidding.

Yes so maybe i should tell myself that studying, though it doesnt give me a life at this point of time, it will raise my standards of living in the future (i don't think about the future a lot i like to live in the present......... or the past) and I want to live, but i also want to live a certain Quality of Life.

So maybe................................ Korea? After O's? Anyone? :)

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There was no sun; there was no light. I was dying. I couldn't remember what the sky looked like.
But i didn't die. I was lost to a sea of cold, and then I was reborn into a world of warmth.

(That's from Shiver)