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I need to find that word.

Yknow when you hear something bad, when you see something bad, when you know something bad, it just shocks you so much you can feel your heart ripping dropping lunging hanging dying. It kinda just ruins you in that instant, in that second. It changes your whole mood, it chases away your alacrity. And then you freeze.

After which, you go back to reconfirm what you just saw/heard/knew, and then when you don't think it's even possible, your heart aches again. Aches till no extent. It breaks down your heart's brigandine, and you wish you could be manumised from the aching. You feel like crying but you can't. You feel like screaming but you can't. You feel like dying but you can't.

It hurts so much until you're desperate to find a cure. Some kind of catharsis to make it better. Feel's like there's no end to how you're feeling. It's so bad till you just sit there and wait for the world to go by, wishing you were never in it at all.

Breathing slowly, you close your eyes and imagine a million what ifs. Time doesn't spare you. Giving up, you climb into your bed and hide under covers, again. That's what you do, that's what you do when you face something this tough. It's habitual to curl under your thick quilt and squeeze your eyes shut, anticipating tears to come. When they don't, you know this time it's gonna hurt you so long that you're going to be immune to it in a week's time.

It's one of the rare moments you'd wish you had someone- anyone, to just crawl in with you and hold you till you have the courage to patch your heart back.

And when no one calls, no one texts, you rock yourself to sleep, willing yourself to hallucinate that someone is hugging you in that very moment. The pain is that bad till you have to go to such extreme measures to make yourself feel better.

Slowly, you fall asleep. And you wake up only to find that you've been sleeping for an hour or so, and no- nothing's changed.

Strange- you haven't shed a single tear yet.